This post is part of a new weekly segment in which I travel 3.5 billion years into the past to closely examine the behavior of some of the most primitive forms of life on earth—the evidence of which lies intact in fully-fossilized form in the comments section of any given Yahoo News article.
Yahoo News comments are considered in some groups to be the asshole of American political discourse. This is a grossly inaccurate depiction of Yahoo News comments because while they share its revolting reputation, they serve nowhere near as useful a purpose.
This Saturday’s cesspool of choice is the comment section on an article about last night’s passing of a bill which allows same-sex marriage in New York.
“This country has gone to the dogs. Have we forgotten the bible and moral beliefs, no wonder the weather is getting crazier by the week. GOD does not like what he's seeing...” – TJ
Global climate change: a vast conspiracy spanning across the international scientific community and thousands of peer-reviewed scientific studies, God’s wrathful hatred of two consenting adults taking part in an institution designed to signify commitment: unquestioned fact. Historians mark June 25th in your calendars, it shall be known as the day logic died.
“gays sucks! literally!” – Retardo
Well, at least he chose an appropriate name before commenting.
“Its called pretending to be for the gays when its really to get the gay vote and probably a gay tax which I'm thinking should be much higher since gay people conciser themselves better and much more special than normal folks.” – INFO
Yes, this is the kind of deep political analysis that’s been lacking in the media over the past decade. Legislators clearly passed this bill so they can institute a gay tax (?), which should be much higher (than the already existing straight tax?) because gay people “conciser” themselves better and more special.
“that's why 2012 is coming....” – Idk
I hardly think passing a bill that allows gays to marry is the reason the year 2012 is coming. It’s a mathematically proven fact that 2012 follows 2011 when counting up.
“This is simple. I have nothing against gay people, but I don't agree with their lifestyle. If the Bible says it is wrong, and it does, then it is wrong. I am not judging because that is not my job. The Bible says it is wrong!!!!! Simple.” – Scott
Scott, I am glad that you have chosen the moral high road in choosing not to judge whether homosexuality is right or wrong. And I also agree that homosexuality is wrong, as the bible clearly says. I have nothing against you, I just don’t agree with your decision to display your idiocy in a public arena.
“I'm going to write a comment and the replie to it as many times as it takes to get to the most replied top!” – Caleb S
“Lolzzz crack brains are gathering , un-ethical, disreputable, immoral , non social act, now where are the rights of women. And Where is BIBLE.” – Dani
I thought he or she was calling gay people “crack brains” at first, but after reading this piss poor excuse for a sentence, I realized it was an invitation to join him/her at some sort of newfangled cocaine rally.
“Sign of the times. Come Lord Jesus. Come” – Whatsjust
[insert come/cum pun joke here]
“when will a dog and human be able to marry? father and daughter? they will be dancing in the streets then, too.” – Jack SprattTo be fair, father-daughter marriage is already socially acceptable in some southern Christian communities. Sorry bro, you asked for it.
“My wife's vagina is worth so much less now.” – John D
I’m not entirely sure what point you’re trying to make, sir. In what way does the value of your wife’s vagina depend on the status of gay rights in New York?
“well folks this is the start of the END!” – Pink
Right, it is the start of the end of marriage discrimination.
“Look on the bright side. Gays cannot reproduce. Hahahahaha” – Me
What? They can't reproduce? They'll never survive! Wait...
“has lawmakers gone mad. now where's the essence of offspring?? .. great!! more recession from God.” – Freddieric
What? I thought it was poor people and unions that caused the recession. I’m never voting for God again.
“Just another reason To Boycott NY now” – Steve Knepper
Yes… please do
“Another nail in the coffin in the moral fabric of our society.” – Xnavy
Yes, I agree that moral fabric is the coffin of our society, and gay marriage is another nail in it. Wait, what the fuck are we talking about?
“grats, but who gets half of what you own?” – Nath
Both partners do… You do know what “half” means, right?
“Wrong is wrong” – Tommy
Agreed. I’m glad they have righted the wrong of denying gays the right to marry.
“Modern day Sodom & Gomora island.. take note guys...” – Joe Ampere
Honestly, I don’t know how much good taking notes is going to do for people in the event that God decides to destroy the entire city.
“what i dont understand is if we dont agree with homosexuality we are considered bigots.where is our freedom of choice?” – Alan BNobody said you don’t have the freedom to choose to be a bigot.
“And we wonder why Islamists think we are the great satan.” – DaleYes, we should definitely do our best to appease those who refer to us as “the great satan.” In other news, Kim Jong-il said he couldn't believe the United States allows people to love eachother.
“Truly a sad day for American morals, we are on a slippery slope, in freefall!!” – Jonathan
Yes, thanks to gay marriage we’re free falling down a slippery slope. Look, we’ve already lost touch of what the phrase “free falling” means and how you can’t do it on a slope, slippery or otherwise.
“this will finish what 9/11 started” – Starider Starider
Equating allowing gay marriage to a group of people (who sometimes like to stone homosexuals to death) flying airplanes into buildings. I think your comment just finished what years of cave-dwelling started (hint: you stupid).
“horrid & immoral...........how about protectin abortions...do no harm to the fetus..screw the mom,, harder laws on immgrants........” – Lise
Protecting abortions? Screwing moms? Harder laws on “immgrants?” Sounds disturbingly kinky.
Come back next week, when we discuss whether Yahoo News comments were actually written in the year 2011, or if they are the daily musings of an 18th century southern white supremacist that have somehow found their way to the internet.