Sunday, July 17, 2011

Top Ten Jobs in a Far Right America.

  I noticed a lot of news sites would do bullshit top ten lists about random, unimportant things. At best these include, video games, fatty foods, "Ten things your girlfriend hates", "how to know if he's a keeper!",etc. Needless to say they are about as useful as your appendix.  Which is why I decided to give you a top ten list you can use in the upcoming few years while we move farther right under the guise of bipartisanship. Here are the Top Ten Jobs in a Republican's vision of America.

Number #10
Maid/House Keeper
 This is expected to be a booming industry in the next few years. With not just ours, but the world's  top 1% buying ridiculously sized "cribs" in our country they're going to need more people to clean and maintain their lustrous abodes.
  • Education required in a Republican's America: 2 year BA in Household cleanliness from Kaplan University. Costing an upwards of $52,000 over the 2 year period. 
  • Average Salary: $9,000 a year plus no benefits. 

Number #9 
Personal Assistant
  Another position expected to have a huge demand in the Republican vision of America. Not only will the wealthy need a team of personal assistants to wash their clothes, and keep their appointments, they will also need you to be a backup maid, nanny, or Mandarin to English translator for their numerous  Chinese contacts.
  • Education required in a Republican's America: Masters in communications from ITT Tech, Kaplan, or Devry. Costing as upwards of $190,000 over the course of 6 years.
  • Average Salary: $11,000 a year plus the benefit of working in close proximity to our nation's elite! 

Number #8
Law Enforcement Officer
  Are you looking for an exciting job? Do you enjoy using an outrageous amount of force to win an argument? Would you like to quell the riots that continuously seem  to break out among the lower caste? Then this job is perfect for you! The poor and disenfranchised will always target our nation building top earners so they'll need your help protecting their interests.
  • Education required in a Republican's America: 3 month private law enforcement training course.
  • Average Salary: $8,000 a year plus the benefit of knowing you're protecting our wealthy overlords.
Number #7
  Our wealthiest have numerous important obligations to up hold all around the world. So the demand for skilled pilots to fly their private jets is bound to increase. You can expect to see the world, and bump elbows with the rich and famous. The job includes painfully long hours and a pretty lackluster pay check that is subject to when our elite need to fly, but hey it's worth it!
  • Education required in a Republican's America:  4 year flight certification from any for profit college. Costing an average of $60,000
  • Compensation varies by flights. Around $1 for every 100 miles. 
Number #6
  Our nation builders are going to need top notch entertainment. As a gladiator your one goal is to provide the best entertainment possible for our top earners. And if you survive long enough in the arena you might be able to share the same status as our nation building job creators.  
  • Education required in a Republican's America: None.
  • Average Salary: $45- $50,000 a bout depending on the venue and level of competition. This may seem like a great opportunity but keep in mind- if you lose you die. 
Number #5

Personal Driver
    This is a great job for those of us with little education and experience. The elite can't drive themselves around so it'll be your job to make sure they arrive at their destinations promptly. 
  • Education Required in a Republican's America: Ability to read a map.
  • Average Salary: $4,000 a year with the benefit of driving about the elite. 

Number #4
Hooker/Prostitute/Lady of the Night
  The world's oldest profession will be one of the most profitable jobs in Right Wing America. Yes, time and time again it has been proven that the highly successful seem to enjoy loads upon loads of concubines and escorts. Unfortunately it will also carry a 50 year prison sentence- harsh. 
  • Education required in a Republican's America.: At least a High School Diploma so the elite can say you're only an intern.
  • Average Salary: Varies from client to client. 
Number #3
Sanitation Engineer. 

  We can't have trash clutter the streets of our gated communities, so as a Waste Disposal Agent it is your duty to keep the Elite neighborhoods clean while dumping waste and debris into the poorer areas so they can have the privilege of digging through elite trash. You never know the treasures they might find! 
  • Education required in a Republican's America: Waste Manage Diploma from Trump University.
  • Average Salary: $6,000 a year. 
Number #2

Mercenary-I mean, "Private military and security contractor"
   With the massive increase of  government spending toward defense, this profession is bound to be in demand. With this job you'll get to see the world, humiliating and killing brown people without facing any repercussions. You'll also get to ensure that our rich and powerful stay rich and powerful.
  • Education required in a Republican's America: Job training is offered at one of the many  Xe (formerly known as BlackWater) training sites.
  • Average Salary: $145,000 a year + Health and Life insurance. That number is to entice more people to enroll, so what are you waiting for, join today!
Number #1

Professional Lackey
  Not to be confused with the personal assistant, the Professional Lackey's only job is to boost the ego of the world's most powerful. As a Lackey you can expect to receive no credit when you've contributed to the growth of the company, and all the blame when your employer is entirely wrong. Note: This position could also get land you a lengthy prison sentence. But while you rot in your cell you can have the pleasure of knowing your boss is doing just great.
  • Education required in a Republican's America: B.A in Kissasstology from the University of Phoenix. 
  • Average Salary: Depends on your employer, could range from his or her table straps to millions of laundered  dollars. If you have no spine, moral complacency, or honor- this might be the job for you.